Posts tagged ‘sleep’

Weird experience

Earlier I had a strang evnt probably dont know if that will go ovr gas wells photo graphs good night

Update: It was indeed a strange event, which woke me suddenly — I thought it was earlier though — I was lying in bed sleeping and heard a loud noise which I thought was someone pushing my door open violently. I opened my eyes and saw a dark shape in my doorway, it seemed big, and was apparently inspired by the appearance of the Nostradamus Nutball in the Millenium episode, Jose Chung’s Doomsday Defense.

When this occurred, I had what you might call a panic or anxiety attack. My sympathetic nervous system (I think — fight or flight? yes) was in hyperdrive. Heart pounding out of my chest, shortness of breath, sweating, and so forth. I lay still, forcing my breathing to slow down, stuck in that half-awake/half-asleep state. On the one hand, I didn’t think there was really anyone in my doorway. But a part of me believed it, and that was the terrified part!

Moments later, my consciousness cleared a bit, and I sat up. No one attacked me, which was a relief. I looked around the house to see if Little Mama had knocked something over, causing the loud sound. I couldn’t find anything. I wondered if I had hallucinated it (can you hallucinate while dreaming, or is that just a part of dreaming anyway?). I got up for awhile and wrote a bit (tried at least) in here, then made a drawing of what I saw. That was more successful. But I didn’t go back to bed, I only slept fitfully in the chair. I was afraid to sleep in the bed. (this is a common thing for me though I don’t often admit it to myself)

Later I did find my Franciscan Crown rosary on the floor besides the dining table, but I don’t think that would have wakened me unless I were already on the edge of consciousness. Still, it’s possible.

October 15, 2008 at 5:54 am Leave a comment

Sleep and other minor details

I slept 7 hours straight last night after taking just 100 mg trazodone!

Let me back up. I have been having trouble sleeping, along with incipient hypomania, for about 2 weeks now. I have doubled up on my trazodone, which helped quite a bit but I still wasn’t sleeping enough for awhile. It appears that I am finally getting better — maybe! I just have to make sure this trend continues and isn’t just a fluke!

I often think of the song “Last Night I Didn’t Get To Sleep” by the Fifth Dimension (I love the Fifth Dimension!):

Last night I didn’t get to sleep at all
The sleeping pill I took was just a waste of time
I couldn’t close my eyes ’cause [my wild plans and grandiose thoughts] were on my mind….

(that’s the bipolar version, lol)

Under the category of “other minor details,” I cannot seem to get my dishes done. I know that most people would say, ‘just make up your mind and do it.’ Well it’s not that simple for me. I know that I can’t use bipolar as an excuse for procrastination or lack of self-control, but it’s clear that my moods do affect my ability to behave rationally and exercise self-control.

My birthson and his family went to the San Antonio Zoo on Saturday. He posted some pictures on
His Blog. (Many people say he looks just like me!) That precious little boy with them is my grandson. I’m so proud!

My daughter is coming home from nursing school this weekend — they have Fall Break through Tuesday. This semester she is doing Psych along with Critical Care. A few days ago she called me almost in tears — they had been learning about bipolar disorder and she wanted to apologize for not understanding my situation when she was a teenager! I was so touched I cried too. I explained I had never expected her to understand; she was my child and it was not her job, at that time, to be there for me. It was my job to be there for her, as her mother. And it was my pleasure. Now that she has grown into a young adult (who is often wiser than I am!), we’ve begun moving to mutual support.

I will see my son later in the month, when he has his band concert. I don’ t know if his school even has fall break, but if they did he would probably have to work.

I guess I go start on those dishes 😉   FlyLady says: ‘You can do anything for 15 minutes!’

October 7, 2008 at 8:36 am Leave a comment

Good to be home

I was released from Timberlawn Trauma Unit on Monday July 7 and traveled back home on Tuesday. Riding on the Amtrak this time was tortuously slow, although I tried not to get impatient. Instead, I reminded myself that the delay would make my eventual arrival that much more pleasurable! To a certain extent it worked. But when I finally reached my apartment at 11 pm Tuesday night, I was terribly weary yet hyped up on the adrenaline of anticipation.

I made phone calls to those who care about me, to assure them I was safe, then spent some time alternately petting the cats and running around trying to clean up. I could not believe the mess I’d left! It was a bit scary, because it showed just how bad off I had been. I’m not the best housekeeper even when “normal” but this time it was pathetic.

After awhile I realized it was time to go to bed and that I was just avoiding it by cleaning. Why? I asked myself. It turned out I was scared! No, not scared — terrified! I was afraid to be alone. I sat down and let myself feel it, and I cried some, then I hugged my stuffed cat and reassured myself that it would be ok. I prayed. I still felt scared. So I decided to journal about my feelings. I related my current feelings to times in childhood when I felt terror at going to bed. I slept with a small flashlight and a transistor radio playing all night. I felt bad for that little girl because no one, including herself, understood what was wrong with her. Expressing my feelings (along with the miracles of modern pharmacology!) allowed me to finally fall asleep in the recliner.

Since that first night it’s been easier to go to bed and I’ve actually slept in my bedroom when it was cool enough. I’m having to ease into the changes I planned to make; unfortunately, there is no way I can just jump right into doing all the things I plan to. But that will come, with time. I am sure of it.

July 11, 2008 at 12:41 pm Leave a comment


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