Posts tagged ‘memories’

Good to be home

I was released from Timberlawn Trauma Unit on Monday July 7 and traveled back home on Tuesday. Riding on the Amtrak this time was tortuously slow, although I tried not to get impatient. Instead, I reminded myself that the delay would make my eventual arrival that much more pleasurable! To a certain extent it worked. But when I finally reached my apartment at 11 pm Tuesday night, I was terribly weary yet hyped up on the adrenaline of anticipation.

I made phone calls to those who care about me, to assure them I was safe, then spent some time alternately petting the cats and running around trying to clean up. I could not believe the mess I’d left! It was a bit scary, because it showed just how bad off I had been. I’m not the best housekeeper even when “normal” but this time it was pathetic.

After awhile I realized it was time to go to bed and that I was just avoiding it by cleaning. Why? I asked myself. It turned out I was scared! No, not scared — terrified! I was afraid to be alone. I sat down and let myself feel it, and I cried some, then I hugged my stuffed cat and reassured myself that it would be ok. I prayed. I still felt scared. So I decided to journal about my feelings. I related my current feelings to times in childhood when I felt terror at going to bed. I slept with a small flashlight and a transistor radio playing all night. I felt bad for that little girl because no one, including herself, understood what was wrong with her. Expressing my feelings (along with the miracles of modern pharmacology!) allowed me to finally fall asleep in the recliner.

Since that first night it’s been easier to go to bed and I’ve actually slept in my bedroom when it was cool enough. I’m having to ease into the changes I planned to make; unfortunately, there is no way I can just jump right into doing all the things I plan to. But that will come, with time. I am sure of it.


July 11, 2008 at 12:41 pm Leave a comment

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