Part dream, part nightmare

Lately I have been bothered by disturbing dreams almost every time I sleep, whether night or daytime nap. They are related to the relationship I ended almost 2 months ago. It seems that ever since it started I had occasional nightmares, often related to trust issues. I was unable to fully trust. But the nature of the dreams has changed in the last two months. There is a jealousy element still, but I generally accept the circumstances, knowing that this is the way things have to be. I accept and yet I feel very sad. I suppose this is my mind’s way of starting the grieving process — sneak up on it using dreams, instead of jumping into it head first. Whatever works, I guess!

Letting go

At the beginning of this week, I let go of a relationship that has been very important to me for 14 years.

There are many reasons I chose to let go. One, the relationship began as a one up — one down scenario. I was dependent on her for many things, most obviously financial support, but also emotionally and mentally. When I met her I was an emotional wreck and she was very stable and calm. I couldn’t support myself financially, which was why I moved in with her in the first place.

When a relationship begins that way (so says my therapist), it is unlikely that the balance of power will ever change enough to approach equality.

Two, I have spent the better part of the last 14 years in therapy. I have learned so much about myself and other people, I sometimes think I should teach classes! Most of what I learned I shared with her, but often she couldn’t see things from the perspective I had. She just didn’t get it. I have changed enormously, like 80%, while she has changed little, perhaps 10% at best. In spite of my mental illness, I have outgrown her.

Three, we are very different, like the sun and the moon. She is concrete; I am abstract. She focuses on logic; I am more emotional. I have empathy — the ability to put myself in another’s shoes, even if I don’t agree with the person — whereas she does not. She is fastidious about housekeeping; I am more relaxed. She thinks in black and white; I see gray areas. I could go on, but you get my drift.

I have determined, after a lot of agonizing and thinking and praying, that these issues are not going to change, and that I don’t want to live with her — I cannot live with her and stay mentally healthy — in the current circumstances.

I feel sad. Yo tengo triste.