where next?

I have known I was bipolar for 11 years and I’ve had a lot of good therapy, beginning even before that when I thought it was just depression. I’ve been hospitalized numerous times as well. I know my disease intimately and I’m familiar with many, many strategies for alleviating symptoms.

But I feel there’s no point in all that anymore. I don’t want to try because it is just hopeless anyway, and I don’t have the energy. Trying to keep a positive outlook just makes me look like a fool, I think. It’s not going to change. It’s not going to get better, ever.

I feel I have an obligation to my family to keep trying, but it’s so painful. I just want to run away. I think to myself, I will just walk out my door to the highway and hitchhike to someplace far away. If I end up getting murdered, so much the better. I won’t really care.