I’m a Sunflower

Go figure.

I am a Sunflower What Flower Are You?

p.s. I wonder if I’d still be a sunflower when I’m really depressed??

July 2, 2007

from a journal entry:

I think there is another me, the “real me”, that will be revealed only if I go somewhere else. And that I will sort of “shed my skin” in a different environment — I will no longer be the person who did the things I’ve done in the past. I can let go of all my baggage and be transformed, like a butterfly pushing its way out of a cocoon, to become something beautiful at long last. The person I want to be, but can’t seem to reach.

I’ve found through experience that physical movement doesn’t give the desired result! It requires a mental and emotional movement, which sort of doesn’t make sense but in a way it does.

Eloquent Art

~from 92 More Must See Creative Photographs

Personaity Test — 16 factor

“once I know who I’m not then I’ll know who I am…”
~Precious Illusions, Alanis Morissette

Cattell’s 16 Factor Test Results Warmth |||||||||||||||||| 58% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 54% Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 38% Liveliness ||||||||| 30% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Social Assertiveness ||||||||| 22% Sensitivity ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 54% Abstractness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Introversion |||||||||||| 38% Anxiety ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Independence |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Perfectionism |||||||||||| 34% Tension ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Mild Hypomania

I say mild because it hasn’t really interfered with my daily life at this point (and I pray it won’t). It’s more a matter of better than average moods and increased productivity — perhaps what is normal for other people?? But for me it is hypomania, since my normal mood is probably lower than most people’s.

I haven’t been journaling, which is probably not good. Instead I stay busy doing things. Of course, I did have that nightmare last week. I think I wrote about it here. When that occurred, I examined my emotions and talked to Judy about them (on Wednesday, which was odd — is my next appt. Wed.? I think it is. Better call her ’cause I won’t be there). Perhaps when I am like this it is best to use something tangible, i.e. artistic, to convey my feelings instead of words.

(after making picture) Well this is certainly interesting. I can’t deny that I have felt a lot of emotional pain recently. Various things really. Nothing overwhelming in itself. Perhaps I will spend some more time creating pictures and other artistic expressions of the feelings.

Weird experience

Earlier I had a strang evnt probably dont know if that will go ovr gas wells photo graphs good night

Update: It was indeed a strange event, which woke me suddenly — I thought it was earlier though — I was lying in bed sleeping and heard a loud noise which I thought was someone pushing my door open violently. I opened my eyes and saw a dark shape in my doorway, it seemed big, and was apparently inspired by the appearance of the Nostradamus Nutball in the Millenium episode, Jose Chung’s Doomsday Defense.

When this occurred, I had what you might call a panic or anxiety attack. My sympathetic nervous system (I think — fight or flight? yes) was in hyperdrive. Heart pounding out of my chest, shortness of breath, sweating, and so forth. I lay still, forcing my breathing to slow down, stuck in that half-awake/half-asleep state. On the one hand, I didn’t think there was really anyone in my doorway. But a part of me believed it, and that was the terrified part!

Moments later, my consciousness cleared a bit, and I sat up. No one attacked me, which was a relief. I looked around the house to see if Little Mama had knocked something over, causing the loud sound. I couldn’t find anything. I wondered if I had hallucinated it (can you hallucinate while dreaming, or is that just a part of dreaming anyway?). I got up for awhile and wrote a bit (tried at least) in here, then made a drawing of what I saw. That was more successful. But I didn’t go back to bed, I only slept fitfully in the chair. I was afraid to sleep in the bed. (this is a common thing for me though I don’t often admit it to myself)

Later I did find my Franciscan Crown rosary on the floor besides the dining table, but I don’t think that would have wakened me unless I were already on the edge of consciousness. Still, it’s possible.

Anosognosia

I received this link in my email today because I subscribe to the About.com bipolar newsletter. (I highly recommend it)
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/brainchemistry/f/faq_anosognosia.htm?nl=1
This brief article explains one reason why bipolar individuals may not accept that they have a disease, and may discontinue meds as a result of disbelief. It may not be simple denial!

Free resources!

If you are not yet a member of my bipolar disorder yahoo! group, I invite you to join and take advantage of the free resources we have available. These include a guide to self-management of your disorder, forms for record-keeping, articles on bipolar, and emotion charts. And it’s all a work in progress — there is more coming!

Some of the resources are based on my own personal experiences, while others are adaptations of information from therapy sessions, both in- and out-patient. Still others reflect research of the published literature about specific topic in bipolar.

I hope you’ll check us out! We’re a new, growing group and need more members — this means you!!

Click to join lunarmothbipolarsupport

Bipolar Spectrum Research

It is almost inevitable that when people attempt to categorize anything they make the initial categories too narrow. Psychiatrists have know for some time that the diagnostic categories for bipolar in DSM-IV TR continue to be inadequate, in spite of revisions. Inevitably, people fall through the cracks, usually into the dreaded NOS (not otherwise specified) category. I say “dreaded” because a nonspecific diagnosis often results in lower quality treatment, especially if the physician is inexperienced with bipolar patient.

A recent review of the literature looked at the 4 recognized types of bipolar (I, II, III, and IV) and compared their symptom criteria with what is actually seen in clinics and hospitals. The author (Hagop S. Akiskal, MD) found evidence for five additional categories, as follows:

Bipolar _ , or schizobipolar, falls under a separate DSM category, Schizoaffective disorders. These are diagnosed in patients who exhibit both psychotic symptoms and mood swings, satisfying most of the criteria for each type of disorder.

Bipolar I is a well-known type that represents what many people think of as “bipolar”. The patient’s mood episodes cover the entire range from depression to mania (which often has psychotic features). Akiskal suggests that an additional category, bipolar I_, includes those who have frequent depressive episodes interspersed with a few manic or near-manic but not psychotic periods.

Bipolar II was first identified in 1976 by researchers at the National Institutes of Mental Health. In a nutshell (no pun intended!), these individuals experience recurrent deep depressions along with hypomania, often at the end of the depression. Mood shifts can occur quickly, and the delineation between the two moods is more clear. These are “typical” bipolar II’s.

Bipolar II_ individuals, according to Akiskal, experience greater mood dysregulation and frequent occurence of depression and an irritable rather than euphoric hypomania. Even between episodes they are considered “moody” by those around them. In fact, the moody person who develops major depression is more likely to shift to bipolar I or II in the future than is the person who is not normally moody. This is an important clinical consideration (although I have not seen practical application of it). Panic disorder and/or social phobia are also classified by Akiskal as indicators of potential bipolar II_.

Bipolar III is diagnosed when anti-depressants prescribed for a major depression produce a shift into hypomania. It most often occurs in patients with a first-degree bipolar relative, which reinforces the genetic link for bipolar spectrum disorders. The hypomania does not generally last long, and recurrs infrequently.

In Bipolar III_, the bipolar episodes are inextricably linked with substance abuse, such that it is impossible to determine which came first, the chicken or the egg. (My experience here:) These individuals are now termed “Dual Diagnosis” in hospital settings, based on the belief that it is depression that caused the substance abuse in the first place. However, it could just as easily be bipolar disorder — one reason why it is often better to treat according to symptoms instead of diagnoses.

Bipolar IV, as described by Akiskal, is a category I have never encountered myself. Apparently, sometimes people (mostly men) who have led successful and seemingly happy lives develop depression in the latter part of middle age. This quickly leads to an agitated depression or “mixed state” in which the person fulfills criteria for both depression and hypomania. The author suggests that this disorder may be the cause of unexpected suicides — “but he was so successful, I don’t know what went wrong.” An agitated depression is highly dangerous for anyone no matter what their diagnosis is, because if they are suicidal that have enough energy to complete the act, unlike typical depression with complete lack of energy (personal experience again).

Of course, these categories can still be further refined, but I think this work is helpful in recognizing the various stops along the bipolar spectrum. In the end, though, I think the symptoms are what’s most important. It’s nice to have an “umbrella” designation to give the physician a place to start. On the other hand, the inadequacy of the categories in the DSM can fool them into a simplistic view of bipolar (“are you I or II?”) and likewise, a simplistic method of treatment.

Reference:
Akiskal HS. The Emergence of the bipolar spectrum: validation along clinical-epidemiologic lines and familial-genetic lines. Psychopharmoacol Bull. 2008; 40(4):99-115.

NaNoWriMo

I’ve decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. If you aren’t familiar with this delightful event, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. The month is November, so now is a great time to sign up.

My novel will be based on myself and my experiences. It won’t be publishable, but that isn’t the point. The point is therapeutic, both by objectively writing about aspects of my life, and also by the self-esteem I’ll get from attempting a novel at all.

We can’t start writing the actual sentences until Nov. 1, but we can make outlines and plot notes so that’s what I’ll start with.